Express Yourself, It’s Better for Your Health

I was just reading on Dr. Gupta’s Blog on CNN and he reports on a study in that says that self censoring leads to higher death rates in women.  The study says that women who don’t express their dissatisfaction or anger are more likely to die earlier. 

The study focused on women in marriages, but I believe it points to a larger problem in our society is that very few people know how to express their needs in a way that is productive.  Holding in our anger and frustration isn’t good for us.  Pouring out all our anger and frustration in a diatribe isn’t healthy either.  There are some people who are really good at stating what is and isn’t okay for them in a firm but fair way.  But most of us struggle with this.

I’m a recovering people pleaser myself.  I still want to be kind and I love helping people–I wouldn’t be a hypnotherapist, if I didn’t.  But I also realize that I only have so much energy to give and when I am giving up a piece of myself consistently, I eventually become resentful or ill.  Half the time the other person doesn’t even know that I stuffed a feeling or gave up anything for them so that compounds matters even more.  So in essence, I’m resenting someone for not reading my mind!  How fair is that?  LOL!

One of the things that really helped me was Jack Canfield’s Self Esteem Audio Product, Self-Esteem & Peak Performance. I first listened to this seminar on tape about 15 years ago but I find there is so much good stuff on it. I keep coming back to it.  As an exercise, he had people say, "My needs are as important as your needs."  And then notice what came up. 

How many readers cringed when they read that statement" "My needs are as important as your needs?"  Most women, especially mothers, have a problem with that one.  "My  children’s needs are more important than my needs," they say–and to a certain degree they are right.  A newborn’s need for nourishment at two in the morning does trump mom’s need for sleep at that moment.  But some of us have taken putting other people first and denying our needs to the extreme.  Notice the statement isn’t my needs are more important than your needs.  It is that the needs are equal.  I know many of us have a hard time with that.

Marshall Rosenberg, who writes about communicating in a way that honors all our needs in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (Nonviolent Communication Guides), talks about communicating in a way where everyone’s needs are respected.  He has used this technique to mediate everything form family conflict to conflict between warring tribes in Africa.  I highly recommend you grab this book  if you worry that expressing your needs makes you selfish or unkind.

If the study Dr. Gupta cites is correct, learning to express our own needs directly but with compassion is not only important for our mental health but for our physical health. This syncs with everything I see working with clients one on one.  Our mental and physical health are linked.  They are not two separate entities.