Many of you know I have lived the last few years of my life by listening to guidance. There are several things about this my ego would prefer me not to reveal about this process. The first is that I am constantly being guided to share the real vulnerable experiences of life. Sometimes, I hate that call to transparency. My ego would want you to believe that I am an expert at this and have “IT” all figured out. Instead I find myself submerged deeper in the mystery and being constantly called to surrender the way I think life is supposed to work and instead being guided knowing only the next step. Often my response is, “You want me to do WHAT?”
I THOUGHT when spirit asked me to write From Scared to Sacred that the DIVINE FORCE was also promising me that the book was the key to Financial Abundance. The book was the key to many things but in no way have I made it to Easy Street. Instead I found that road had lots of bumps and road blocks. I tried following other experts who tried to teach me the way to build the $100,000 income but their methods felt out of alignment and like I was trying to peddle snake oil. If I were to be 100% transparent the last two years have been a challenge for me financially.
The healing work I do is very powerful. It is also SACRED and therefore, I feel a duty to stay in alignment with my spirit in how I promote my work. The social media world we live in seems to encourage us to put on a good face for the world and don’t let anyone know you are struggling. I know that only leads to feeling alone and disconnected. So after much struggle, I turned once again to the UNIVERSE and said, “I need cash flow. Tell me what to do. Who should I serve? What offerings should I make? Send the answer to me!” The answer came but not in a way that I expected.
Out of “no where” I received a called from my friend Darci who used to work with me in the law firm. She said she had received a call from a friend who was looking for a very bright, “people person” to be the marketing representative for Southern California for an engineering consulting firm. I consider myself a bright, “people person”, but I know NOTHING about engineering or construction and I really wasn’t interested in working full-time. “Would they consider a part-time position? I don’t want to give up my client work or the classes I’m teaching.” My friend said she’d ask and let me know.
Several weeks went by. The previous few months, I had only made my financial obligations because some amazing friends lent me money. I had no idea when I would be able to pay them back and sponging off your friends is not a good business plan, is it? I also found myself asking myself questions about my current financial state: “Wasn’t I spiritual enough? (Because, after all, New Age Spirituality says everyone has the right to abundance, right? I had to be blocking it or not vibrating at the right level.) Wasn’t I working hard enough? (Because from my upbringing when something needs to get done, you put your nose to the grindstone and work a little harder.) Do I need to do more healing work on myself and release the blocks? Do I not have the right system in place? Do I need to learn something I don’t know?”
My questions led me deeper into self-blame–which is not a place you can manifest anything from. What was so weird to me about this time is when I was with clients or working with my writer’s groups, I was fine. Working with clients I could feel connected to the life force that supports us all but I couldn’t do that for myself. And the contrast of being so connected when I was working with clients and so disconnected for myself was so painful. One Saturday, I reached out to my healer friend Maryjane and said, “I really need help, I feel like I’m in quicksand.”
Admitting all this to her brought up all the patterns: “I’m a failure. I’m not good enough. I’m a fake!” Bless her for seeing how low I was and saying to me, “Carol, I think we need to do 9 consecutive days of healing work like a Novena. We can meet every day via Skype.” With that Maryjane agreed to be my energetic life preserver when I was so tired of dog paddling.
There were lots of tears and then a realization: There is nothing self-honoring about scraping to get by. Maryjane walked me through the practical steps I could take each day to support myself. These included looking for a job. On the third or fourth day of our session, Maryjane was doing a blessing for me. She was reminding me that I walk in grace. She said something like, “Grace surrounds you. Grace flows through you. You walk with Grace.” At that moment my cell phone notified me that I had a text. When I looked at my phone, it was a text from my friend Darci. The text said, “I spoke with Grace about the job and she wants to talk with you.” I got those spirit bumps.
I’m entering my 4th week on the job as the Southern California Marketing Representative for a consulting firm based in San Francisco. The job is a full-time job but I do have some flexibility. When I am not out visiting clients or networking, I work from home. The good news is paid benefits, nice salary and working with nice people. I’m not giving up my calling as healer or writer, but I’m allowing myself to take it at a pace that allows me to enjoy my life and not have it be all about work.
What changes for my clients is that most client hours will be on evenings or weekends and you might not be able to book a last minute appointment at the time that you want. The good news for me is that it has made me clear on what is most important in my practice and made me let some things go that weren’t serving me. For now, Dancing with Life Radio is going to be put on hold, my writer’s groups will have to adapt. The Sunday Night Shaman Series and several new books will be released in the timing I can sanely work on them. Ceremonies will continue. When I received my first paycheck I felt months of stress fall away.
I struggled with revealing this until a friend reminded me, “Carol your mission is about talking about the nitty gritty part of being a spirit having very real human experiences.” When she said that I remembered once again, that there is no THERE to get to, that right now THIS EXPERIENCE is what being a spirit having a human experience is all about. Sometimes you are planning to go Left and you are guided to go Right. Sometimes you are planning to go North and the only road you can see goes Southeast. You may not know why. It might seem like a detour. But all you can do is surrender and say, “the ‘why’ of this part of the journey will be revealed in due time.” Faith doesn’t mean letting yourself drown when you’ve started down a road and it is flooding. Faith is trusting that the new higher ground road, will lead you exactly where you need to go. The new road may be a temporary detour to take you to meet someone or have a particular experience or it may lead you to an exciting place you never would have envisioned.
I sat in meditation the other day and the VOICE told me this:
“When your spirituality is used as a weapon to make you think you are failing because of the material circumstances of your life, you are off-track. You control the sails but you don’t control the wind! Love yourself and others through what you perceive as failures or storms. Share your journey. Be Real. Be Human. Be You.”
We co-create with spirit and our higher self. Our human self doesn’t create everything by itself. This blog post is an invitation for you to notice where you are blaming yourself for the the twists and turns of your life. Release the idea that if you are spiritual enough life will work how you envision it and surrender to the calling to love yourself and others through whatever life is showing you right now. Put down the blame stick and embrace the mystery. I know I am. I wonder what adventures this new job is bringing me? I’ll keep you posted.
Blessings to you. I welcome your comments below.