Kahlil Gibran said, “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” and in the moments that mom was transitioning back to spirit, I knew a deep unconditional love for her, my sister and myself.

I had the privilege of being by Mom’s bedside for the last few days of her life. Nothing was left unsaid and I was able to encourage her to leave the body, which had served her so well but was used up, behind.  One of the things that I thought I’d never want to do, watch a loved one die, actually turned out to be an incredibly beautiful rich and of course, sad time.  But I feel so privileged to have been there by her side.  Those two and a half days of being by her side were truly a blessing and life distilled down to its essence, which is love.  I said things that I didn’t even know were in my heart and I felt surrounded and supported by the love and prayers of family and friends.

There was a point where the radio was playing by Mom’s bedside and it was as if the Source of all love was programming for us. The first song came on, “I’m everything I am because you loved me,” by Celine Dion. I sang it to her with my voice breaking and tears running down my cheeks.  Then came, Rod Stewart, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” followed by the Beatles, “Let It Be”  I smiled at Let It Be—I wondered how she felt about the song now.  40 years ago when they sang it in guitar mass at church—she was appalled because she had heard it was about marijuana.  But mom, as a good Catholic was devoted to the Blessed Mother.  And as I sang, “in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, shine until tomorrow, let it be.”  I knew that mom would like the song today.  And I knew the most important thing to do was just to be present–to lend a calm reassuring energy to the room.  Every time I walked out, I would kiss her on the forehead and tell her where I was going and tell her if it was time to go, she didn’t have to wait for me.  She did wait till both my sister and I were present in the room.  And as she peacefully released her last breath, I knew that she was now at peace with my father and so many or her family members that had gone before her.

So here I am back in Los Angeles, adjusting to life, feeling a bit like an alien in a world that used to look familiar but now seems quite different. I’m learning to listen to the voice inside even more.  I am giving myself time to feel the myriad of feelings that wash over me moment to moment and not pushing myself to do but be in a time of reflection and healing.  The rest of life is going on around me.  My book, the competition, my clients and I need to show up and be present without being hard on myself.  I know that my best today, may not be the best I’ve ever been able to do.

I remember 23 years ago when my father passed away,   I was 26. I didn’t have that much experience in loss.  I thought I would break.  What surprised me was that instead of breaking from the loss of my father, I found myself so much more compassionate and open to other people’s suffering.  It did make me a stronger better human being.  My heart was more available to others.  And knowing that the sadness of my father’s loss helped me grow, has made me more open to the pain and sadness I feel today in my mother’s passing.

Whenever we are in these transitions it is important to remember to be gentle with our expectations and to look for all the ways love is around us supporting us–to allow the love to flow not to close up and try to delay the pain. The pain of loss touches us all.  The challenge is to allow our hearts to grow and become stronger through the sadness and loss.

So what is your experience of loss and sadness? Do you find as Neale said, that sadness cleansed your heart?

We had a beautiful and simple service for her at the church that she helped found. Since much of our family was from out of town, we decided to forgo the evening visitation the night before the funeral and have a simple viewing at the church before the funeral.  The funeral home did a lovely job in setting up a viewing in the parish hall.

Our family had a tradition of having a family reunion picnic in Prairie du Chien, WI the first Sunday in August each year. These gatherings were the highlight of my summer as a child.  The extended family of great aunts and uncles and their families made for a large gathering of family.  In more recent years it was the descendants of my mother’s immediate family—our family and my five uncle’s families that gathered.  My mom was one of 6 children and the only girl.  Mom loved those gatherings and it was hard for her to not be able to go to the picnics when her mobility failed her after the Parkinson’s and stroke.  It was a 3.5 hour drive that her spirit so wanted to make but her body just wasn’t capable of.  It hurt so much when she’d say she wanted to go to the picnic and I knew we couldn’t make it happen for her.

So here at the church our extended family was gathering to honor her life and I thought how pleased she’d be to see us together. I walked to the area of the room where mom’s body was available to pay last respects–a corner of the room with a screen creating some privacy with two tall windows in the corner on each side.  I looked out the window and right outside the window were two ducks, a female and a mallard looking in the window at me.  There is no pond anywhere near the church.  The ducks continued to look in at the family gathering.  I wondered at them for a moment, felt comfort in their presence and then got caught up in greeting family members.

Days later I’m still thinking about those ducks. Feeding the ducks at a pond near the river was an outing we’d often make, my mom, dad, sister and I when I was little.   Those ducks at the funeral seemed to have a purpose in being there.  Could it be that the spirits of my mom and dad were using the ducks to tell me it was okay?  I had spent the two days prior to my mother’s death telling her that it was okay to go that my father was waiting for her.  He had passed away in 1987.  Mom carried on but I know she missed him terribly.   Those two ducks looked like a happy couple.  They stuck together looking in the window for the longest time.   If it was my mom and dad checking in, they saw the family gathering that my mom would have so loved.

I did a little research on duck medicine from the Native American tradition and found one site that said ducks bring the message of family connections, emotional healing, and calming influences.  It further said “the duck teaches getting in touch with your deepest emotions in order to get to a calmer state. Ducks are family oriented and enjoy companionship. If a duck visits it could mean it is time to return to your roots and spend some time with your clan. . . . Duck medicine teaches us not to hold on to our past troubles and to live in the moment. “  I’m a little awed by how perfect that message is.   I thank those two ducks at the funeral for the comfort they brought me.

I believe that the universe sends us messages of hope and faith when we need it, we just have to have our hearts open to receive them. And yes, I believe the message can come from two ducks at a funeral.

Remembering

Our lives are an exercise in remembering.

Remembering that the most important things in life aren’t “things” at all, but the people who we share our lives with

Remembering to be grateful for the blessings in life

Remembering that every event or “cloud” that we perceive as bad in our lives does indeed have a silver lining

Remembering that every person we encounter has something beautiful to teach us

Remembering that the things we decide to “do” in this life are secondary to “how” we choose to do them

Remembering that the only reason we are here is to grow our ability to love

Remembering again and again that what we choose to remember is what sets the course for life.

Every day we have the ability to choose to remember the important stuff.  Days like Memorial Day remind us that life is indeed short and precious and not to be taken for granted.

So stop take a minute and think about this question, “What is the most important thing for me to remember today?”  It will help you chart your course and stay aligned with what is important for you.   If you’d like to share your thoughts, add a comment below.

Then this morning I open my email and there is a TUT… A Note from the Universe email and it simply says: ” Carol, trust yourself.”

I was cleaning out some old magazines and I looked down at the front page of one and it said, “How to Trust Your Intuition.”

Then my friend and writing coach, Ellen Snortland, sends out her Author Bite by Bite message in her writing group on Facebook and it says “Trust Yourself.”

Then Lynn Rose,  an amazing singer and speaker that I know, posts on Facebook”  “The KEY to peace, KEY to success, KEY to love…are two little words… ‘Trust yourself’ ”

Okay Universe I hear you!   I will trust myself, my intuition and my instincts.  I will trust myself to follow my path and my heart.  Thank you.  I heard you.

Maybe if you are reading this, you needed that message too!

If you are like me and many of my clients, when you want to make a change in your life you add things to your to do list.  Now, your “to do” list is even longer and you might find yourself exhausted just looking at your list.  Let’s face it many of us, including our children, are over committed and over scheduled.  We have succumbed to the false belief that if we do enough, we will be enough.  I’d love to share with something I have learned over the last two years.  Sometimes you have to do less, not more.  All our doing often keeps us from knowing what is most important.  All of our doing actually can make us enjoy life less.  

Gentle souls, you are enough, just as you are.  It is time to look at your life and today, eliminate at least one thing that you know doesn’t need to be there.  Take one thing off your life’s plate that detracts from your life rather than adds to it.  Connect with your heart and ask yourself, “What is one thing I could let go of today that would give me back some of my own energy?”  

It can take courage to simplify your life.  For example, recently I received an email from a group that I had spoken to for the last five years.  It is a summer camp for high school students who are considering careers in medicine.  I have spoken about hypnosis and health there and enjoyed each presentation. This year when the invitation to speak came, I knew I wasn’t supposed to speak.  It wasn’t aligned with the energy I am creating with my book.  Part of me said, “It is only three dates over the summer. Do it.”  But a wiser part of me knew I needed to let someone else take the slot.  It wasn’t aligned with my intentions.  I was sorry to tell them I wouldn’t speak this year but after I did it, I got a burst of energy for my writing.  That was how I knew it was the right answer for me.    

There are so many possibilities big and small where you can align your energy by taking something off your plate.   Maybe it is de-cluttering your house or taking care of one thing that holds your attention every time you walk by.  “I need to take that to Goodwill.”   Maybe it is something that needs to be repaired, “I need to sew that button on!”   It could be a group you volunteered for, but now doesn’t feel aligned with your purpose.  It could be a thought you need to release or change.  You may notice some big changes or discussions that need to happen that you aren’t ready to do today.  This is okay.  You don’t have to do the big things today.  Do a small thing or a medium thing and if you are inspired, go for it! Do the big thing. 

What is one thing you could take off your plate today?  You know what it is deep inside.  Do it and feel you soul expand as you let go of that one thing big or small that was not aligned with the space you want to hold in the world.

PS.   Bet you thought this was going to be dieting advice.  It works there too!

How often do we postpone fun and joy because we have things to do?   Funny thing, I have never finished a “to do” list in my life and then had nothng to do.  Normally as soon as I make progress, there are more things on my list.  So if I wait till I have accomplished everything to have fun, or only schedule fun things on my calendar, now and then, I’m being miserly with myself.  No wonder I was grumpy! 

“Carol, if the circumstances of your life never changed from what they are now, would you decide to be miserable instead of savoring the richness that is available to you right now in every moment?” the Voice Within asked me several months ago.   That question made me pause.  What if the only questions we are asked when we transition back to the other side after death are: “Did you learn to love more deeply?  Did you have fun?  Did you experience your life fully?’

 Do I want to spend most of my days so focused on the tasks that I feel compelled to get done, that I miss all the opportunities within those tasks to be a joyful, loving person?   If I don’t practice being loving, joyful and having fun right now, will I be able to give myself permission to do so, when the book is published, when I have a certain amount in my savings account or some other goal that my ego feels is important? 

When someone sarcastically asks me, “Are you having fun, yet?” when I am knee deep in what some might perceive as a nasty project, maybe it is the universe reminding me that I have the opportunity to choose joy and fun at any moment.

As I reflect  back, I see moments where the task wasn’t fun but the people I was with made it fun.  Years of working in law firms have taught me that the most onerous of tasks can be managed and enjoyed with good company.  My mom and dad were good at modeling that for me.  I remember laughing mopping and vacuuming out the flooded basement with Mom and Dad.  I remember years later working on a home improvement project in my sister’s kitchen and giggling together as we worked.  That joy was within me to be found, even when the work was hard.

I realize there are times when things really aren’t fun.  There are times when we are sad due to a loss or troubled over an illness or tragic event.  These are also part of living.  And must be felt.  But even in the pain of loss of a loved one, there is the ability to recall with fondness and laughter a moment that you shared together. 

So why is it so easy to drain all the joy out of my life over little things?   I know I can certainly have a lot more fun most days without being inappropriate or disrespectful.  If I am going to take on any task, I do have a choice of how I see it.   I notice when I am in joy, I attract things more easily, I have better interactions with others.  What if it is really as simple as asking yourself the question, “Am I having fun?”  And if the answer is no, looking inward to determine how you can shift that.

What about you, “Are you having fun, yet?”  If you aren’t, when will you choose to have fun and joy in your daily life? 

Not what you do, it how you do what you do, determines whether you are fulfilling your destiny.   Eckhardt Tolle

In all of our relationships, both business and personal, it is good to remember that no one is successful and happy in isolation. We are part of communities for a reason. The human animal needs other human animals to survive and thrive. People can’t always guess when you need help. Sometimes you have to ask.

We have to reach out and share what is going on in our lives to find out that we are not alone.  At this time in the world with all our technology, sometimes only personal contact and sharing can make us feel better. For example, a year ago, I shared with some friends about how I was concern that business was shifting and I wasn’t quite certain how to address this shift. My friends shared that they were having similar issues in their businesses. We didn’t solve the issue that day but we agreed to brainstorm and share with each other and I felt better having their support.

If you are like me, your “to do” list can be a mile long and a bit overwhelming. Look at the tasks you are doing and access whether it would be smarter to delegate some of those tasks. (I know you might think you can do it better, but is it really the best use of your time?) Look at the things you are doing that perhaps you don’t have all the information and expertise that you need. Is there someone who you know, who might know someone to help you do that task more efficiently? I’m always amazed when I talk to some of my tech savvy computer friends, the ones who stay on top of the trends, they almost always share a resource with me that helps me get things done with less frustration.

Even when we good at asking for help for tasks, we may not be good at asking for help to make a secret dream or desire come true. We have to carefully choose who to share those precious dreams with. Author, Sonia Choquette calls the people who help us hold our dreams, our “believing eyes.” They are the people who say, “I know you can figure it out and succeed!” or “I know you can finish your degree. I’ll watch your kids so you can take that class.”

When I was struggling with rewrites of my book, dear friends in my writing group told me, “Carol. I don’t normally buy spiritual books but I want to buy your book for all my friends. It is that good.” It lifted me up and kept me going. I bless them for helping me keep the faith.

So what if you feel like you don’t have someone to be “believing eyes” for you? Choquette says one of the best ways to start having more believing eyes in your life is to start being believing eyes for others. When we practice simply supporting other people by believing in their dream for them, we are telling the universe we believe that we all have the ability to create our dreams. Another way is to ask someone to be your believing eyes, tell them what you need them to believe for you. “I’d like to ask you to hold the vision for me of passing my licensing exam and whenever I express doubt, believe for me.”

Look at your life right now, is there somewhere you need to ask for help? Someone who needs your believing eyes? Start small. Start big. Each one of us can use a hand at times and when we practice asking and believing, we may be surprised at the magic we can create.

Today I decided that while these items weren’t high priority, I needed to start taking care of them.  Looking at them every week on my “to do”  list was making me feel like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.  It was time to decide, were they worth doing or not.  I decided they all were worth doing, so I tackled a couple of them.   I called the phone company and adjusted my phone plan to the way I use my phone now.  I cancelled a few other business services that I wasn’t using right now.  Total savings in just a few phone calls $36.00 a month. 

I feel energized because those things have been on a list since January.  I’m not going to think of the money I could have saved if I had done it earlier.  I’m just going to pat myself on the back for cleaning up a few of the items on my list.

I have other items that I need to clean up: appointments to be made, more budget stuff to do. I’m going to create a slot for those “not urgent”  but helpful “clean up” items and see if I can clear the list by the end of next week.  I’ll let you know what happens to my physical and emotional energy as I do.

If you are inspired to join in my “clean up,”  join me!

I’m excited about building this site.  It all seems to be coming together perfectly!

In the meantime, check out Carol’s posts at Live Well, Stress Less!

Carol